Sitting with the Virus, Dreaming of the Desert

I couldn’t wait to take our son to the zoo. We did not go to the zoo. We nursed a high fever instead.

I couldn’t wait to have a day date three days later since we had childcare and no work. We did not have a day date. We nursed our second child’s high fever instead.

I couldn’t wait to get back to yoga and tend to my body which had been tending to children non stop. I had a list of things to do which had piled up. Instead, the blisters popped up in my throat. Then the blisters popped up on my daughter’s hands. We all had hand foot mouth.

I was so close to weaning. After three months of trying, we were down to two feeds. Suddenly I would do anything to hydrate my baby who only wanted my milk.

It turns out, a lot of parenting is just giving up on expectations, letting go. Accepting that absolutely nothing will get done today, maybe not tomorrow either. Being present with the virus and the crying and sitting on the floor to make a puzzle for the 6th day in a row, taking pleasure in small things like my son’s voice, ice cream cake on my throat, the feeling of success when my one year old ate frozen yogurt after a mouth blister hunger strike.

A lot of parenting for me has been questioning everything. I thought I would be someone successful - I had such potential - and here I am serving snacks and changing diapers… but on days / weeks like these, I also think, god, who the fuck cares about success. Yogurt success is just as good, at least for now. She ate yogurt!

I am not in a corner office wearing a killer outfit and red lipstick using my degrees or covered in paint in an art studio pursuing my passions. I am home in pajamas covered in snot and food and I can’t stop coughing or put down crying babies. I am not in Palm Springs. I am not in Hawaii or Mexico… I was there though, and it was beautiful. It will be beautiful again. *

(*This is not a judgement or value assessment on “working” vs full time caretaking mothers or a suggestion that you can’t have a corner office and also be a present parent. I’ve done both and they’re equally as challenging, and I’m currently part time both, which is also challenging. Parenting is just challenging.)

Some recent desert and beach film to keep me going. Palm Springs * Scottsdale * Los Angeles, 35mm & 120.